DON'T BE A C**T a.k.a JUVENTUS'S UNSUCCESSFUL START OF THE SEASON

My beloved Old lady has done some botoxin', face-lifting, vagina-rejuvenation, if you want, during the summer.

Yeah, it'll take her some time to look as impeccable as last year.

There might be a bit less 'madameness' due to Pirlo's departure, there might even be a bit less drive due to Vidal's leaving. And even a bit less penetration due to Tevez's unhealable homesickness.

But new studs, such as Paulo Dybala, Simone Zaza, Alex Sandro, Mario Mandžukić, Sami Khedira, have been brought to fill the holes of the black and white outfit. And Juan Cuadrado's coming, too.

Now I will end with sexually-oriented terminology and try to be a bit more serious. So. Let's get to the point. Juventus. Football.

Regarding all the summer additions there was quite a lot of optimism before the 1st game of the season in which Juventus welcomed quite generous customers from the past. Udinese.

And it looked like Kingsley Coman, who was the driving force early in the game, but awfully wasteful, and Co. would empty visitors' pockets as soon as they entered the shop.

Allegri's 3-5-2 (Buffon; Barzagli, Bonucci, Chiellini; Lichtsteiner, Pereyra, Padion, Pogba, Evra; Mandzukic, Coman) started brightly, completely dominating Serie A rivals.

It even seemed like the little zebras weren't interested. Juve were all over the visitors' half. On the other side, Stefano Colantuono's men entered Juve's half as often as you've seen Halley's comet.

As is often the case in such situations, 'but' inevitably enters. Despite total dominance in the 2nd half also, Juve just couldn't - even after otherwise very lively Dybala came in - put the ball in the net.

Udinese, on the other hand, did. Through Cyril Thereau, who just might have been involved in the Japanese invisibility researches. Or could someone explain to me, how is it possible to leave someone so alone in the box...

Anyway. The 'expected' outcome was still on. Mauricio Isla entered, Fernando Llorente entered. Game changers (sarcasm on).

No. Juve - despite 65-35 possession, 21-6 goal attempts, 10-2 corners - lost its first home Serie A match since January 2013 and ended an unbeaten run of 47 games (via @WhoScored).

That pissed off quite a large part of the black and white Twitter community. Yes, it's a defeat that wasn't expected. Yes, Mandžukić has a lot of room for improvement. Yes, Coman was wasteful. And, yes, Pogba made too many bad decisions going forward.

But all was not bad. And no, Juve won't be relegated, as some 'men of knowledge' tried to suggest. Bear in mind - Claudio Marchisio, one of the most important Allegri's men in the last season, has been injured, as has Alvaro Morata.

Khedira also - but he's made of glass, so Juve fans can't really coun't on him...

Ergo. It's only the 1st round of the season. So take a chill pill and don't be a cunt, as would Jim Jefferies say. Calma.

MLS - 'FILLE DE JOIE' LOOKING FOR REAL LOVE

Eighteen years ago the USA hosted FIFA World Cup. As a part of the US' bid to land the most important sporting event in the world they came up with something they called Major League Soccer. Being 15 at the time, along with the fact that internet here was as rare as honesty in politics, I didn't really know what to think about it. They can't be serious across the pond, I thought in 1994.

Football - as I prefer to call the beautiful game - in the land of the free was not exactly Julia Roberts in Pretty woman. Everybody loved her (despite doing the world's oldest job), (almost) nobody loved football despite being No. 1 practically everywhere else. "Richard Gere" rather spent his time with other ladies, like the NBA, MLB, NFL, NHL even. And he still does it today.

Regarding reputation of the MLS, little has improved since the first season in 1996, despite the "boom" after successful USA team at the World Cup 2002. It still gets a lot of stick from "traditional" football countries, and die-hard-Americana-influenced sports fans in the US.

But it's getting better. Gradually.

The doubters might be right in some aspects. But wrong in some, too. There are quite a few good points for following the MLS. I'm not saying I'm in love with it, I'm watching it here and there, but I respect what they're doing.

Living in a global village means that even the MLS finds the way to the most remote corners of our planet. TV and media coverage are improving, live matches can be seen wherever you want. And, frankly, it is quite a pretty sight.

There are many leagues across the world that have really poor infrastructure. This is not the case in the US. Stadiums are (mostly) quite good, and what's more important they're nicely filled. The average attendance in 2011 was 17,872, what is just a bit lower than in the Dutch Eredivisie or French Ligue 1 and about the same as the NBA and NHL.

It has to be said that technical and tactical quality of the football in the MLS cannot be compared to the Premier League, La Liga, Serie A, Bundesliga, but it's improving. Some of the American talents that play there, like Brek Shea, Juan Agudelo etc., could soon make themselves interesting for some European clubs. Like Tim Ream that joined Bolton couple of months ago.

Another aspect is money. Players in the MLS earn from 33,750 USD to 4,600,000 USD per year. And, frankly, those amounts of money (that can be upgraded with sponsorship money) have attracted quite a few famous footballers. Let's put aside the fact that they've come there mostly to earn a buck or two before ending their respectable careers.

For example, there are Arne Friedrich (Chicago Fire), Hamdi Salihi (DC United), "golden balls" David Beckham, Robbie Keane (both LA Galaxy), Marco Di Vaio, Matteo Ferrari, Alessandro Nesta, Bernardo Corradi (all Montreal Impact), Rafa Marquez, Teemu Tainio, Thierry Henry, Tim Cahill (all NYRB), Kris Boyd, Steven Smith (both Portland Timbers), Danny Koevermans, Torsten Frings (both Toronto) and Kenny Miller (Vancouver).

When New York Cosmos joins the MLS, I'm pretty sure there will be more of the "big-calibre" footballers there. It is rumoured that even Kaka wants to play in NYC.

Conclusion? There's too much going on in the MLS to completely ignore it. Of course, it's not the first choice but it's surely good enough to occasionally quench football thirst.

P. S. In the current season, the best teams in the MLS by points are San Jose Earthquakes, Real Salt Lake, New York Red Bulls, Sporting Kansas City, Houston Dynamo... On the top of the scoring chart there is Chris Wondolowski (San Jose) with 17 goals followed by Kenny Cooper (NYRB/13) and Alvaro Saborio (RSL/11), while the kings of assists are Dwayne De Rosario (DCU/10), David Beckham (LA/9) and Marvin Chavez (SJ/9).